Hello again! I find it humorous that I created this blog a year ago and this is only my fourth entry. I'm such a poser.
Anyway, before you read this;
WARNING: the following blog entry is spiratic and clustered and poorly constructed, therefore minor injuries such as headaches and annoyances may arise from reading this. Take these procautions seriously before continuing on.
Alright, so...I have been going to counseling for about 9 months now. This blog isn't about counseling, however I will go on my mini rant because it is my forum, but everyone needs to go to counseling. EVERYONE. You're not too "put together" or "not broken enough" for it. You're the best candidate ever and someone out there wants to listen to your struggles and journey with you. So go. Thanks for listening.
Counseling has been changing my life. Recently I have been going to an amazing woman at the church, we will call her Jane (she costs $5, how on earth can you pass that up!). She has been journeying with me through some of my very own struggles with specific people in my life, those which I shouldn't expose because they could possibly read this, and therefore it would be wrong of me to do so.
A few weeks ago Jane used a term to describe me that didn't sit well with me. It gave me anxious flutters and it was really hard for me to receive, but she couldn't have been more head on.
"Madeline, your mindset and thought process could easily be simplified to this: you are a black-and-white thinker."
I'm sorry, come again? What in the world is a "black-and-white" thinker? She elaborated on how my Christian walk has looked like this:
slave to the world --> enter Jesus --> Daughter of the utmost High King
I nodded my head, because this was extremely true.
Then she challenged her theory.
She used the example of a person in my life who I love dearly and that their Christian walk has looked like this:
slave to the world --> enter Jesus --> Daughter of the utmost High King, as well as continually living in bondage to habitual sin that has destroyed many aspects of her life
This caused my skin to bubble, and boy did Jane notice.
She smiled and said, "See, this bothers you. Why didn't she have a complete 180? Why was she still choosing to live this way? She's not all in, so she must be out. This causes you much pain doesn't it?"
note: this is the part where counseling doesn't sound appealing because they legitimately rip apart every ounce of pain you have inside of you and dissect it to find the roots, and it is not fun...but again, it is so so needed.
I nodded my head as tears raced down my cheeks as if trying to win a prize. I asked her one question and begged that she answer it that moment:
Why?
She smiled, yet again...which caused me to hold onto hope, and said that the answer is for me to find out.
Ladies and gentlemen, two weeks later when I wasn't even looking for it, I found it.
I do have this "black-and-white" thinking...and it isn't good. It causes me to judge my fellow brothers and sisters when they do something that in my mind isn't the best decision. It causes me to live in such a restricted way, not allowing myself to take risks and make mistakes, because I just want to do things right.
October 13th, 2011 was the night I surrendered my life to the Lord, this was the enter Jesus moment. I remember that night as I prayed for the very first time to a God that I actually believed in for the very first time...I remember that night feeling like I had a second chance at life. I was a wretched sinner, covered in filth and in desperate need to be cleaned, and this Man...this Strong Tower...this Friend, Jesus asking me to be in relationship with Him offered that bath. He wanted deeply to hold my hand through the fires and was smiling at me as He gave me true Life. I remember promising Him that I wouldn't mess it up again. That I would do it perfectly. I prayed that night that He would show me how to do this, how to live genuine Life with Him, because I didn't want to mess it up.
And my friends, this is the root of my "black-and-white" thinking.
So, last night I had a breakthrough! I found my answer. I was reading in Leviticus (this sounds like I am trying to show off, but I am legitimately reading the Bible chronologically right now, and I have nothing to brag about because I have been stuck in Leviticus for two months now, it's so hard) and I was reading over and over and over and over again on how strict the sacrifices had to be made to the Lord and how specific every single ritual had to be. Then it hit me.
I couldn't live in that time. I am sometimes too lazy to get off the couch and turn off the tv shows and to spend my countless hours with the Lord...how would I ever be able to diligently repent in such a sacrificial and brutal way as those of the Old Testament had to? I know the answer, I wouldn't! So what is my answer for all of this? What is it that I am in dire thankfulness that I have on this side of the cross?
Grace.
That's it. That's the exclamation point. I've been seeking the last two weeks for this "grey area" that has to exist in my life then...a logic that can somehow not be so strict like "black-and-white"...but it's not a grey area.
It's a grace area.
What should my response be to the friends who may take actions that I see as a sin?
grace
What should my initial reaction be to my mistakes that I do make and desperately need?
grace
What should be the answer I give when people ask me, "Why do you have so much happiness and glow about you?"
grace
It's the core to my entire being, and I don't understand it one bit.
I don't give people grace.
I don't give myself grace.
I don't get grace (as in understand it, not the lack of receiving it, haha)
So what do I do with this new realization? What is my next step?
Well, last night I pulled out my amazing alpaca blanket I bought in Ecuador. I lit two candles, and I ripped up a hamburger bun and filled a coffee mug with water and a strawberry MiO. I took communion in complete thanksgiving for grace. That in my weakness He is perfected. That there is nothing I can do to make Him love me more. I sat before the Lord and read Leviticus 11:44-45. After endless chapters of law and rules and rituals...for the very first time in the entire book thus far the Lord tells his people, "For I am the Lord your God. Consecrate yourselves therefore, and be holy, for I am holy. You shall not defile yourselves with any swarming thing that crawls on the ground. For I am the Lord who brought you up out of the land of Egypt to be your God. You shall therefore be holy, for I am holy."
Twice, technically if you count "consecrate yourselves" that makes it three times, does the Lord call His people to be holy.
This word naturally makes me want to put a turtleneck on and wear a bracelet that says "no boys aloud", anyone else? Probably not...
But truthfully, the Lord calls us to imitate His own characteristic of holiness, and us doing so is us responding to His gracious initiative.
God initiates much to us, and sometimes we don't receive it. He pursued me back in high school...middle school too I am sure, and I rejected Him. He never stopped wanting me. This pursuit is the image of grace. I put many things before my God, and I forget the grace area all of the time.
It has been 24 hours since my realization of this "grace area"...so I apologize that I can't preach some sermon on it at this time...but I hope my journey was of some encouragement.
He pursued His people in Egypt...and it says he did so "to be your God".
He doesn't want us to live a black and white lifestyle of legalism and worshiping the law as it were our god.
Does he want us lukewarm? Absolutely not. I don't believe in the "grey area".
I believe in the grace area.
My sins covered.
My God smiling.
My call to holiness.
My yoke lifted.
amen.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Monday, November 5, 2012
The Way
So, five months later...and I think I win the award for the worst blogger ever! That's what journals are for I guess! I will probably print this out, and just tape it in my journal though, because I just need this to word vomit what God has shown me in the last 24 hours. What you are about to read is very honest. Brace yourselves...
I woke up this morning immediately to a lie. The lie said, "Well, Madeline...today is going to suck because you are alone in this. No one is praying for you, not one person." Talk about a beautiful way to embrace my Monday morning right. Did I do the right thing after hearing this lie? Nope. I swatted at it with my hand and continued to the bathroom where I began getting ready, scrubbing my hands in nervousness and almost drowning myself in my towel after washing my face. Not one bit of me wanted to continue on. I wanted to sit on that tile floor and wait for Jesus to come back so this would all just be over.
Then I heard my phone go off. I stood up and checked it, receiving a text from a sister telling me that she was praying for me this morning, then as I was reading that text, another text whistled through my inbox from another sister asking how she can pray for me. It was at that moment that my day completely turned around. I bowed at my bedside immediately and praised God for fighting for me....even when I had shoved my fists so deep into my pockets (which is a figure of speech because I wasn't even wearing pocketed pants yet, still pajamas).
I rushed to finish getting ready just so I could make it into the cafeteria and read God's words and see what He wanted to say to me today. He showed me Psalm 91...that He is my refuge and my fortress...my shield against the terrors of the night and the arrows flying at me by day. That the closer I cling to Him in love, He will protect me and deliver me. He will answer me when I call to Him, and He is with me through all of the troubles that I face. I prayed through that scripture, not like I have in a long time. I wasn't doing it because "that's what Christians are supposed to do" or so that I could go on and tell my friends that I do that without lying to them. I was thinking of my walk with Him and that alone. I was praising Him for all of the comforting truths He showed me through that passage. That no matter my circumstances, He really means it in Isaiah 43 when He says in verse 2 that He will be with me when I pass through the waters, that the rivers won't overwhelm me. That as I walk through the fire, I will not be burned or consumed....but I will be refined.
I made it to my class on time, and couldn't even focus I was so moved by the scripture and His love for me. I began journalling and praying and by the grace of God also taking notes, and felt the flutters in my heart of His presence with me...similar flutters as when I first tasted His grace a year ago.
All of this occurred between 7:45 AM and 9:15 AM...I could go on and on about my day and sharing all of the amazing things that occurred and the truths that I found, but you can just ask me later for that if you want. My point of all of this? Thought I'd never mention that, eh?
Yesterday, God revealed to me the healing that I need, and today that I needed a few days of alone time with Him to rekindle the flame, if you will. It's only Monday, and I already can feel my heart being mended by His blood, His truth, and His love for me. He has shown me that I can't reach for bandaids every time that I struggle and am hurt...because those only cover the mess I've created. I can only reach for His right hand, which protects me through all of the fights I may face (Psalm 138:7).
I spent some time today listening to the sermon from this past Wednesday at church (my church has the actual service on Wednesday nights). Marc (my pastor) talked about there being two kinds of Christian friends. The first, are friends that push you to Jesus. When you go to these friends, no matter the circumstance (joy or trial) you constantly will hear the gospel. The second, are friends that push you to convenience, or comfort. When you go to these friends, they pat you on the back and say that everything will be just fine. Marc stressed that there needed to be one kind of friend...the one that pushes you to Jesus, constantly. He also talked about the word "radical", used in the Christian world for someone who is so on fire for Jesus.
"If living radically for Jesus is the term that we should give to obedience, then that means there's another option. That means that I can live radically for Jesus and not for Jesus. That doesn't work. You're either living for Jesus, or not living for Jesus."
-Marc Sikma
All in all, I think Madeline is seeing with a new pair of eyes today. I can, and will not go one more day without waking up with my Savior, My King. I am going to struggle with it sure, but I have hope that God can, and has began to change my heart. I can, and will not go on coddling my brothers and sisters in their struggles, or even assisting in their stumble. I have to love them for their walks with Christ, and see them as blessings alone. I have to push my fellowship to the cross. I have to pick up my cross daily.
I can, and will because He could, and did.
I woke up this morning immediately to a lie. The lie said, "Well, Madeline...today is going to suck because you are alone in this. No one is praying for you, not one person." Talk about a beautiful way to embrace my Monday morning right. Did I do the right thing after hearing this lie? Nope. I swatted at it with my hand and continued to the bathroom where I began getting ready, scrubbing my hands in nervousness and almost drowning myself in my towel after washing my face. Not one bit of me wanted to continue on. I wanted to sit on that tile floor and wait for Jesus to come back so this would all just be over.
Then I heard my phone go off. I stood up and checked it, receiving a text from a sister telling me that she was praying for me this morning, then as I was reading that text, another text whistled through my inbox from another sister asking how she can pray for me. It was at that moment that my day completely turned around. I bowed at my bedside immediately and praised God for fighting for me....even when I had shoved my fists so deep into my pockets (which is a figure of speech because I wasn't even wearing pocketed pants yet, still pajamas).
I rushed to finish getting ready just so I could make it into the cafeteria and read God's words and see what He wanted to say to me today. He showed me Psalm 91...that He is my refuge and my fortress...my shield against the terrors of the night and the arrows flying at me by day. That the closer I cling to Him in love, He will protect me and deliver me. He will answer me when I call to Him, and He is with me through all of the troubles that I face. I prayed through that scripture, not like I have in a long time. I wasn't doing it because "that's what Christians are supposed to do" or so that I could go on and tell my friends that I do that without lying to them. I was thinking of my walk with Him and that alone. I was praising Him for all of the comforting truths He showed me through that passage. That no matter my circumstances, He really means it in Isaiah 43 when He says in verse 2 that He will be with me when I pass through the waters, that the rivers won't overwhelm me. That as I walk through the fire, I will not be burned or consumed....but I will be refined.
I made it to my class on time, and couldn't even focus I was so moved by the scripture and His love for me. I began journalling and praying and by the grace of God also taking notes, and felt the flutters in my heart of His presence with me...similar flutters as when I first tasted His grace a year ago.
All of this occurred between 7:45 AM and 9:15 AM...I could go on and on about my day and sharing all of the amazing things that occurred and the truths that I found, but you can just ask me later for that if you want. My point of all of this? Thought I'd never mention that, eh?
Yesterday, God revealed to me the healing that I need, and today that I needed a few days of alone time with Him to rekindle the flame, if you will. It's only Monday, and I already can feel my heart being mended by His blood, His truth, and His love for me. He has shown me that I can't reach for bandaids every time that I struggle and am hurt...because those only cover the mess I've created. I can only reach for His right hand, which protects me through all of the fights I may face (Psalm 138:7).
I spent some time today listening to the sermon from this past Wednesday at church (my church has the actual service on Wednesday nights). Marc (my pastor) talked about there being two kinds of Christian friends. The first, are friends that push you to Jesus. When you go to these friends, no matter the circumstance (joy or trial) you constantly will hear the gospel. The second, are friends that push you to convenience, or comfort. When you go to these friends, they pat you on the back and say that everything will be just fine. Marc stressed that there needed to be one kind of friend...the one that pushes you to Jesus, constantly. He also talked about the word "radical", used in the Christian world for someone who is so on fire for Jesus.
"If living radically for Jesus is the term that we should give to obedience, then that means there's another option. That means that I can live radically for Jesus and not for Jesus. That doesn't work. You're either living for Jesus, or not living for Jesus."
-Marc Sikma
All in all, I think Madeline is seeing with a new pair of eyes today. I can, and will not go one more day without waking up with my Savior, My King. I am going to struggle with it sure, but I have hope that God can, and has began to change my heart. I can, and will not go on coddling my brothers and sisters in their struggles, or even assisting in their stumble. I have to love them for their walks with Christ, and see them as blessings alone. I have to push my fellowship to the cross. I have to pick up my cross daily.
I can, and will because He could, and did.
Monday, June 11, 2012
the collison of my hurt and my Healer
I'm not gonna lie to you, whenever I am in the car and not listening to my Pandora (Civil Wars and Phil Wickham are the best playlists), I'll turn on the local Christian radio station, Joy FM. Are there some songs that are cheesy...chyeah. But every once in awhile I'll turn it on and a song will really just punch me in the face.
I had come to a point where literally every single song that came on the station, I was numb to. I was harmonizing and jamming...wasn't worshipping one bit OR listening to the words being said! Go ahead, deduct 10 points from my "Good Christian" score sheet (that's a joke). God didn't like that too much, and as usual...He did something about it.
Heard the song "The Hurt and The Healer" by MercyMe? Yeah, it's quite popular, and I have been singing it since it's been overplayed on the station. Until this morning, God decided to turn the volume up a little bit, to form the lyrics into truths and to completely rock my day.
"It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say 'It’s over now'..."
Don't even try to tell me that's not comforting. That it isn't that simple. That it's not true. Because to be completely honest for once, I didn't believe that for one second 24 hours ago.
As a Christian, I am a walking shattered window, and Christ is the ONLY one that can put me back together. Although I am this truthfully shattered window, I had been walking around publicly as a brick wall...standing completely on my own as if I was strong enough or something, disguising my hurt with Christianese 'I'm great's and 'I'm fine's and 'God's got this under control's and helping other people before myself. PRAYING solely FOR OTHER PEOPLE and completely disregarding what God was trying to say to me.
I am once again brought back to the battlefield of not trusting God
Really Madeline? We're here again? Good grief!
In the past day, so much pain and brokenness has been brought to my attention that I had no idea about. I was looking far, near, and wide all over trying to help people out and be a good witness and comfort those who are hurting when in reality...God wanted me to look directly into that shattered window I like to call myself and look at my own reflection.
He said, "YOU are hurting Madeline. YOU are the one who needs to come to me. YOU don't need a simple, yet empty apology to feel better. Yes, you don't deserve what has happened to you, but look at me! I suffered on the cross for you, I died...persecuted until the very last breath so that you could have life at this very moment. Come to me...and I will heal your wounds with my blood."
Can I get a freaking amen?
I encourage you brothers and sisters, stop putting band aids on your wounds, they won't heal. Stop trying to heal yourself. Let Him wash the pain and the sorrows away. Open your Bible, it's all over Psalms. His steadfast love really does heal us.
"From now on let no one cause me trouble, for I bear on my body the marks of Jesus."
[Galatians 6:17]
The hurt and the pain we go through don't leave marks at all...He washes those away. The only marks we withhold are His...which we are completely undeserving of.
I had come to a point where literally every single song that came on the station, I was numb to. I was harmonizing and jamming...wasn't worshipping one bit OR listening to the words being said! Go ahead, deduct 10 points from my "Good Christian" score sheet (that's a joke). God didn't like that too much, and as usual...He did something about it.
Heard the song "The Hurt and The Healer" by MercyMe? Yeah, it's quite popular, and I have been singing it since it's been overplayed on the station. Until this morning, God decided to turn the volume up a little bit, to form the lyrics into truths and to completely rock my day.
"It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say 'It’s over now'..."
Don't even try to tell me that's not comforting. That it isn't that simple. That it's not true. Because to be completely honest for once, I didn't believe that for one second 24 hours ago.
As a Christian, I am a walking shattered window, and Christ is the ONLY one that can put me back together. Although I am this truthfully shattered window, I had been walking around publicly as a brick wall...standing completely on my own as if I was strong enough or something, disguising my hurt with Christianese 'I'm great's and 'I'm fine's and 'God's got this under control's and helping other people before myself. PRAYING solely FOR OTHER PEOPLE and completely disregarding what God was trying to say to me.
I am once again brought back to the battlefield of not trusting God
Really Madeline? We're here again? Good grief!
In the past day, so much pain and brokenness has been brought to my attention that I had no idea about. I was looking far, near, and wide all over trying to help people out and be a good witness and comfort those who are hurting when in reality...God wanted me to look directly into that shattered window I like to call myself and look at my own reflection.
He said, "YOU are hurting Madeline. YOU are the one who needs to come to me. YOU don't need a simple, yet empty apology to feel better. Yes, you don't deserve what has happened to you, but look at me! I suffered on the cross for you, I died...persecuted until the very last breath so that you could have life at this very moment. Come to me...and I will heal your wounds with my blood."
Can I get a freaking amen?
I encourage you brothers and sisters, stop putting band aids on your wounds, they won't heal. Stop trying to heal yourself. Let Him wash the pain and the sorrows away. Open your Bible, it's all over Psalms. His steadfast love really does heal us.
"From now on let no one cause me trouble, for I bear on my body the marks of Jesus."
[Galatians 6:17]
The hurt and the pain we go through don't leave marks at all...He washes those away. The only marks we withhold are His...which we are completely undeserving of.
get to know the blogger...
Alright, so I made a blog. Is anyone going to read it? Could I change the world? Is what I have to say going to win me a Nobel Peace Prize? Eh...unlikely. However, I journal to an extent that I wouldn't be surprised if I lost all feeling of my right hand and wrist. This brings us to where we are now...
Greetings viewers! Welcome to the mind of Madeline Chaney! English is my second best subject, let's pray that it be transparent throughout these blogs because I tend to simply purge ideas in all hopes that I can formulate sentence structures. I am a nineteen year old college student at Lindenwood University in St. Charles, Missouri...like that really matters.
Look, God teaches me things all day, errday, and I feel the need to just release those 'things' if you will. I've learned in a very hard, and dramatic manor that bottling things up only leads to an overflow of heartache, and we have been given resources to outwardly express what is going on in our mind.
I am initiating my First Amendment rights and saying welcome, and I am excited to journey with you all through the rough and the smooth, the thick and the thin, and each aspect of what this world has to offer...in prayer that day in and day out we all can come to the same conclusion:
absolutely nothing [1 Timothy 6:7]
Greetings viewers! Welcome to the mind of Madeline Chaney! English is my second best subject, let's pray that it be transparent throughout these blogs because I tend to simply purge ideas in all hopes that I can formulate sentence structures. I am a nineteen year old college student at Lindenwood University in St. Charles, Missouri...like that really matters.
Look, God teaches me things all day, errday, and I feel the need to just release those 'things' if you will. I've learned in a very hard, and dramatic manor that bottling things up only leads to an overflow of heartache, and we have been given resources to outwardly express what is going on in our mind.
I am initiating my First Amendment rights and saying welcome, and I am excited to journey with you all through the rough and the smooth, the thick and the thin, and each aspect of what this world has to offer...in prayer that day in and day out we all can come to the same conclusion:
absolutely nothing [1 Timothy 6:7]
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