So, five months later...and I think I win the award for the worst blogger ever! That's what journals are for I guess! I will probably print this out, and just tape it in my journal though, because I just need this to word vomit what God has shown me in the last 24 hours. What you are about to read is very honest. Brace yourselves...
I woke up this morning immediately to a lie. The lie said, "Well, Madeline...today is going to suck because you are alone in this. No one is praying for you, not one person." Talk about a beautiful way to embrace my Monday morning right. Did I do the right thing after hearing this lie? Nope. I swatted at it with my hand and continued to the bathroom where I began getting ready, scrubbing my hands in nervousness and almost drowning myself in my towel after washing my face. Not one bit of me wanted to continue on. I wanted to sit on that tile floor and wait for Jesus to come back so this would all just be over.
Then I heard my phone go off. I stood up and checked it, receiving a text from a sister telling me that she was praying for me this morning, then as I was reading that text, another text whistled through my inbox from another sister asking how she can pray for me. It was at that moment that my day completely turned around. I bowed at my bedside immediately and praised God for fighting for me....even when I had shoved my fists so deep into my pockets (which is a figure of speech because I wasn't even wearing pocketed pants yet, still pajamas).
I rushed to finish getting ready just so I could make it into the cafeteria and read God's words and see what He wanted to say to me today. He showed me Psalm 91...that He is my refuge and my fortress...my shield against the terrors of the night and the arrows flying at me by day. That the closer I cling to Him in love, He will protect me and deliver me. He will answer me when I call to Him, and He is with me through all of the troubles that I face. I prayed through that scripture, not like I have in a long time. I wasn't doing it because "that's what Christians are supposed to do" or so that I could go on and tell my friends that I do that without lying to them. I was thinking of my walk with Him and that alone. I was praising Him for all of the comforting truths He showed me through that passage. That no matter my circumstances, He really means it in Isaiah 43 when He says in verse 2 that He will be with me when I pass through the waters, that the rivers won't overwhelm me. That as I walk through the fire, I will not be burned or consumed....but I will be refined.
I made it to my class on time, and couldn't even focus I was so moved by the scripture and His love for me. I began journalling and praying and by the grace of God also taking notes, and felt the flutters in my heart of His presence with me...similar flutters as when I first tasted His grace a year ago.
All of this occurred between 7:45 AM and 9:15 AM...I could go on and on about my day and sharing all of the amazing things that occurred and the truths that I found, but you can just ask me later for that if you want. My point of all of this? Thought I'd never mention that, eh?
Yesterday, God revealed to me the healing that I need, and today that I needed a few days of alone time with Him to rekindle the flame, if you will. It's only Monday, and I already can feel my heart being mended by His blood, His truth, and His love for me. He has shown me that I can't reach for bandaids every time that I struggle and am hurt...because those only cover the mess I've created. I can only reach for His right hand, which protects me through all of the fights I may face (Psalm 138:7).
I spent some time today listening to the sermon from this past Wednesday at church (my church has the actual service on Wednesday nights). Marc (my pastor) talked about there being two kinds of Christian friends. The first, are friends that push you to Jesus. When you go to these friends, no matter the circumstance (joy or trial) you constantly will hear the gospel. The second, are friends that push you to convenience, or comfort. When you go to these friends, they pat you on the back and say that everything will be just fine. Marc stressed that there needed to be one kind of friend...the one that pushes you to Jesus, constantly. He also talked about the word "radical", used in the Christian world for someone who is so on fire for Jesus.
"If living radically for Jesus is the term that we should give to obedience, then that means there's another option. That means that I can live radically for Jesus and not for Jesus. That doesn't work. You're either living for Jesus, or not living for Jesus."
-Marc Sikma
All in all, I think Madeline is seeing with a new pair of eyes today. I can, and will not go one more day without waking up with my Savior, My King. I am going to struggle with it sure, but I have hope that God can, and has began to change my heart. I can, and will not go on coddling my brothers and sisters in their struggles, or even assisting in their stumble. I have to love them for their walks with Christ, and see them as blessings alone. I have to push my fellowship to the cross. I have to pick up my cross daily.
I can, and will because He could, and did.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
the collison of my hurt and my Healer
I'm not gonna lie to you, whenever I am in the car and not listening to my Pandora (Civil Wars and Phil Wickham are the best playlists), I'll turn on the local Christian radio station, Joy FM. Are there some songs that are cheesy...chyeah. But every once in awhile I'll turn it on and a song will really just punch me in the face.
I had come to a point where literally every single song that came on the station, I was numb to. I was harmonizing and jamming...wasn't worshipping one bit OR listening to the words being said! Go ahead, deduct 10 points from my "Good Christian" score sheet (that's a joke). God didn't like that too much, and as usual...He did something about it.
Heard the song "The Hurt and The Healer" by MercyMe? Yeah, it's quite popular, and I have been singing it since it's been overplayed on the station. Until this morning, God decided to turn the volume up a little bit, to form the lyrics into truths and to completely rock my day.
"It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say 'It’s over now'..."
Don't even try to tell me that's not comforting. That it isn't that simple. That it's not true. Because to be completely honest for once, I didn't believe that for one second 24 hours ago.
As a Christian, I am a walking shattered window, and Christ is the ONLY one that can put me back together. Although I am this truthfully shattered window, I had been walking around publicly as a brick wall...standing completely on my own as if I was strong enough or something, disguising my hurt with Christianese 'I'm great's and 'I'm fine's and 'God's got this under control's and helping other people before myself. PRAYING solely FOR OTHER PEOPLE and completely disregarding what God was trying to say to me.
I am once again brought back to the battlefield of not trusting God
Really Madeline? We're here again? Good grief!
In the past day, so much pain and brokenness has been brought to my attention that I had no idea about. I was looking far, near, and wide all over trying to help people out and be a good witness and comfort those who are hurting when in reality...God wanted me to look directly into that shattered window I like to call myself and look at my own reflection.
He said, "YOU are hurting Madeline. YOU are the one who needs to come to me. YOU don't need a simple, yet empty apology to feel better. Yes, you don't deserve what has happened to you, but look at me! I suffered on the cross for you, I died...persecuted until the very last breath so that you could have life at this very moment. Come to me...and I will heal your wounds with my blood."
Can I get a freaking amen?
I encourage you brothers and sisters, stop putting band aids on your wounds, they won't heal. Stop trying to heal yourself. Let Him wash the pain and the sorrows away. Open your Bible, it's all over Psalms. His steadfast love really does heal us.
"From now on let no one cause me trouble, for I bear on my body the marks of Jesus."
[Galatians 6:17]
The hurt and the pain we go through don't leave marks at all...He washes those away. The only marks we withhold are His...which we are completely undeserving of.
I had come to a point where literally every single song that came on the station, I was numb to. I was harmonizing and jamming...wasn't worshipping one bit OR listening to the words being said! Go ahead, deduct 10 points from my "Good Christian" score sheet (that's a joke). God didn't like that too much, and as usual...He did something about it.
Heard the song "The Hurt and The Healer" by MercyMe? Yeah, it's quite popular, and I have been singing it since it's been overplayed on the station. Until this morning, God decided to turn the volume up a little bit, to form the lyrics into truths and to completely rock my day.
"It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say 'It’s over now'..."
Don't even try to tell me that's not comforting. That it isn't that simple. That it's not true. Because to be completely honest for once, I didn't believe that for one second 24 hours ago.
As a Christian, I am a walking shattered window, and Christ is the ONLY one that can put me back together. Although I am this truthfully shattered window, I had been walking around publicly as a brick wall...standing completely on my own as if I was strong enough or something, disguising my hurt with Christianese 'I'm great's and 'I'm fine's and 'God's got this under control's and helping other people before myself. PRAYING solely FOR OTHER PEOPLE and completely disregarding what God was trying to say to me.
I am once again brought back to the battlefield of not trusting God
Really Madeline? We're here again? Good grief!
In the past day, so much pain and brokenness has been brought to my attention that I had no idea about. I was looking far, near, and wide all over trying to help people out and be a good witness and comfort those who are hurting when in reality...God wanted me to look directly into that shattered window I like to call myself and look at my own reflection.
He said, "YOU are hurting Madeline. YOU are the one who needs to come to me. YOU don't need a simple, yet empty apology to feel better. Yes, you don't deserve what has happened to you, but look at me! I suffered on the cross for you, I died...persecuted until the very last breath so that you could have life at this very moment. Come to me...and I will heal your wounds with my blood."
Can I get a freaking amen?
I encourage you brothers and sisters, stop putting band aids on your wounds, they won't heal. Stop trying to heal yourself. Let Him wash the pain and the sorrows away. Open your Bible, it's all over Psalms. His steadfast love really does heal us.
"From now on let no one cause me trouble, for I bear on my body the marks of Jesus."
[Galatians 6:17]
The hurt and the pain we go through don't leave marks at all...He washes those away. The only marks we withhold are His...which we are completely undeserving of.
get to know the blogger...
Alright, so I made a blog. Is anyone going to read it? Could I change the world? Is what I have to say going to win me a Nobel Peace Prize? Eh...unlikely. However, I journal to an extent that I wouldn't be surprised if I lost all feeling of my right hand and wrist. This brings us to where we are now...
Greetings viewers! Welcome to the mind of Madeline Chaney! English is my second best subject, let's pray that it be transparent throughout these blogs because I tend to simply purge ideas in all hopes that I can formulate sentence structures. I am a nineteen year old college student at Lindenwood University in St. Charles, Missouri...like that really matters.
Look, God teaches me things all day, errday, and I feel the need to just release those 'things' if you will. I've learned in a very hard, and dramatic manor that bottling things up only leads to an overflow of heartache, and we have been given resources to outwardly express what is going on in our mind.
I am initiating my First Amendment rights and saying welcome, and I am excited to journey with you all through the rough and the smooth, the thick and the thin, and each aspect of what this world has to offer...in prayer that day in and day out we all can come to the same conclusion:
absolutely nothing [1 Timothy 6:7]
Greetings viewers! Welcome to the mind of Madeline Chaney! English is my second best subject, let's pray that it be transparent throughout these blogs because I tend to simply purge ideas in all hopes that I can formulate sentence structures. I am a nineteen year old college student at Lindenwood University in St. Charles, Missouri...like that really matters.
Look, God teaches me things all day, errday, and I feel the need to just release those 'things' if you will. I've learned in a very hard, and dramatic manor that bottling things up only leads to an overflow of heartache, and we have been given resources to outwardly express what is going on in our mind.
I am initiating my First Amendment rights and saying welcome, and I am excited to journey with you all through the rough and the smooth, the thick and the thin, and each aspect of what this world has to offer...in prayer that day in and day out we all can come to the same conclusion:
absolutely nothing [1 Timothy 6:7]
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