The "Grace" Area

Hello again! I find it humorous that I created this blog a year ago and this is only my fourth entry. I'm such a poser.
Anyway, before you read this;
WARNING: the following blog entry is spiratic and clustered and poorly constructed, therefore minor injuries such as headaches and annoyances may arise from reading this. Take these procautions seriously before continuing on.

Alright, so...I have been going to counseling for about 9 months now. This blog isn't about counseling, however I will go on my mini rant because it is my forum, but everyone needs to go to counseling. EVERYONE. You're not too "put together" or "not broken enough" for it. You're the best candidate ever and someone out there wants to listen to your struggles and journey with you. So go. Thanks for listening.
Counseling has been changing my life. Recently I have been going to an amazing woman at the church, we will call her Jane (she costs $5, how on earth can you pass that up!). She has been journeying with me through some of my very own struggles with specific people in my life, those which I shouldn't expose because they could possibly read this, and therefore it would be wrong of me to do so.
A few weeks ago Jane used a term to describe me that didn't sit well with me. It gave me anxious flutters and it was really hard for me to receive, but she couldn't have been more head on.

"Madeline, your mindset and thought process could easily be simplified to this: you are a black-and-white thinker."

I'm sorry, come again? What in the world is a "black-and-white" thinker? She elaborated on how my Christian walk has looked like this:
slave to the world --> enter Jesus --> Daughter of the utmost High King
I nodded my head, because this was extremely true.
Then she challenged her theory.
She used the example of a person in my life who I love dearly and that their Christian walk has looked like this:
slave to the world --> enter Jesus --> Daughter of the utmost High King, as well as continually living in bondage to habitual sin that has destroyed many aspects of her life
This caused my skin to bubble, and boy did Jane notice.

She smiled and said, "See, this bothers you. Why didn't she have a complete 180? Why was she still choosing to live this way? She's not all in, so she must be out. This causes you much pain doesn't it?"
note: this is the part where counseling doesn't sound appealing because they legitimately rip apart every ounce of pain you have inside of you and dissect it to find the roots, and it is not fun...but again, it is so so needed.
I nodded my head as tears raced down my cheeks as if trying to win a prize. I asked her one question and begged that she answer it that moment:
Why?
She smiled, yet again...which caused me to hold onto hope, and said that the answer is for me to find out.

Ladies and gentlemen, two weeks later when I wasn't even looking for it, I found it.
I do have this "black-and-white" thinking...and it isn't good. It causes me to judge my fellow brothers and sisters when they do something that in my mind isn't the best decision. It causes me to live in such a restricted way, not allowing myself to take risks and make mistakes, because I just want to do things right.

October 13th, 2011 was the night I surrendered my life to the Lord, this was the enter Jesus moment. I remember that night as I prayed for the very first time to a God that I actually believed in for the very first time...I remember that night feeling like I had a second chance at life. I was a wretched sinner, covered in filth and in desperate need to be cleaned, and this Man...this Strong Tower...this Friend, Jesus asking me to be in relationship with Him offered that bath. He wanted deeply to hold my hand through the fires and was smiling at me as He gave me true Life. I remember promising Him that I wouldn't mess it up again. That I would do it perfectly. I prayed that night that He would show me how to do this, how to live genuine Life with Him, because I didn't want to mess it up.
And my friends, this is the root of my "black-and-white" thinking.

So, last night I had a breakthrough! I found my answer. I was reading in Leviticus (this sounds like I am trying to show off, but I am legitimately reading the Bible chronologically right now, and I have nothing to brag about because I have been stuck in Leviticus for two months now, it's so hard) and I was reading over and over and over and over again on how strict the sacrifices had to be made to the Lord and how specific every single ritual had to be. Then it hit me.
I couldn't live in that time. I am sometimes too lazy to get off the couch and turn off the tv shows and to spend my countless hours with the Lord...how would I ever be able to diligently repent in such a sacrificial and brutal way as those of the Old Testament had to? I know the answer, I wouldn't! So what is my answer for all of this? What is it that I am in dire thankfulness that I have on this side of the cross?

Grace.

That's it. That's the exclamation point. I've been seeking the last two weeks for this "grey area" that has to exist in my life then...a logic that can somehow not be so strict like "black-and-white"...but it's not a grey area.
It's a grace area.
What should my response be to the friends who may take actions that I see as a sin?
grace
What should my initial reaction be to my mistakes that I do make and desperately need?
grace
What should be the answer I give when people ask me, "Why do you have so much happiness and glow about you?"
grace

It's the core to my entire being, and I don't understand it one bit.
I don't give people grace.
I don't give myself grace.
I don't get grace (as in understand it, not the lack of receiving it, haha)

So what do I do with this new realization? What is my next step?
Well, last night I pulled out my amazing alpaca blanket I bought in Ecuador. I lit two candles, and I ripped up a hamburger bun and filled a coffee mug with water and a strawberry MiO. I took communion in complete thanksgiving for grace. That in my weakness He is perfected. That there is nothing I can do to make Him love me more. I sat before the Lord and read Leviticus 11:44-45. After endless chapters of law and rules and rituals...for the very first time in the entire book thus far the Lord tells his people, "For I am the Lord your God. Consecrate yourselves therefore, and be holy, for I am holy. You shall not defile yourselves with any swarming thing that crawls on the ground. For I am the Lord who brought you up out of the land of Egypt to be your God. You shall therefore be holy, for I am holy."
Twice, technically if you count "consecrate yourselves" that makes it three times, does the Lord call His people to be holy.
This word naturally makes me want to put a turtleneck on and wear a bracelet that says "no boys aloud", anyone else? Probably not...
But truthfully, the Lord calls us to imitate His own characteristic of holiness, and us doing so is us responding to His gracious initiative.

God initiates much to us, and sometimes we don't receive it. He pursued me back in high school...middle school too I am sure, and I rejected Him. He never stopped wanting me. This pursuit is the image of grace. I put many things before my God, and I forget the grace area all of the time.
It has been 24 hours since my realization of this "grace area"...so I apologize that I can't preach some sermon on it at this time...but I hope my journey was of some encouragement.

He pursued His people in Egypt...and it says he did so "to be your God".
He doesn't want us to live a black and white lifestyle of legalism and worshiping the law as it were our god.
Does he want us lukewarm? Absolutely not. I don't believe in the "grey area".
I believe in the grace area.
My sins covered.
My God smiling.
My call to holiness.
My yoke lifted.

amen.